


Tales of Fails

by Arachniphobia16



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Absolute nonesense, Everyone misbehaving, Misbehaving elves, Nobody gets a gold star, failtacular idiocy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-03 05:52:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4089394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arachniphobia16/pseuds/Arachniphobia16
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We've all seen the characters as they appear in the movies and books....at their best. Let's see them being a little less than graceful for a change. Take a look inside for some Tales of Fails, Middle Earth style, which will include Elves falling out of trees and Dwarves getting lost in caves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tiny Nudist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bathing elflings can be just as difficult as bathing human children.

The days had grown dark in the realm of Greenwood as Orcs pressed in on their borders. The Elves had suffered many attacks and their King struggled to continue on after the loss of his wife. His son had been his light and he pushed passed the darkness surrounding his mind and Fea in order to care for the young child. Legolas was an energetic child and the King found himself in a battle to keep up with him. He devoted his spare time to his only son and the two had grown close in the years after the Queen's passing.

 

Alas, a King had duties to attend and throughout the past few days the Elven King found himself swamped with problem after problem and piles of documents and official correspondences. Legolas had not taken the separation from his father well and had been prone to fits during that time. The tiny blonde would demand to see his father and scream until he got his way.

 

At the age of thirty, Legolas was intelligent and knew of far more than a human child of six could understand but he was still only a child. He could be very sneaky and sly and at other times very manipulative. One of the most dangerous things in the world, after all, was a child that knew how adorable he was.

 

Legolas had been sent off with Galion for the day and Thranduil rubbed his forehead with a groan as he hunched over his desk. He had spent the entirety of the day pouring over reports from his border patrols and marking on the map where they had encountered bands of Orcs. There were so many reports, not just from his soldiers but also from members of his council pertaining to the amount of food, plans for new farmland, and various things that the tired Elf did not care to deal with. He stared longingly at the door connecting his study to his bedroom. He shook his head and stretched his aching back before grabbing the next paper from the pile.

 

Amidst all of the chaos in his realm Thranduil also had to attend to a party from Lothlorien and Imladris that were due to arrive today. It was a diplomatic meeting about trade route agreements and treaties that were bound to be more trouble than gain for his people. Refusal of these treaties would no doubt cause hostilities but the elves of the Greenwood had far more pressing matters to attend to.

 

Halfway through reading the document in his hands a knock sounded at his door. Thranduil gave a long sigh before standing and groaning at the various cracks that sounded from his stiff back. He swept his hair from his face before calmly moving to the door and opening it. He could feel a headache pounding away at his skull the moment he saw what greeted him on the other side.

 

One of the palace guards stood before him holding a tiny grinning mud ball in his arms and claiming it was Thranduil's son. The mud ball claimed this as well. He blinked owlishly for a few moments before sighing and taking the filthy thing from the guard's arms and thanking him. He looked down at the mud ball in his arms as he closed the door and listened with a sense of dread to the giggles falling from the smiling thing.

 

“Legolas.” He said seriously, to get the mud ball's attention. “Just what have you been doing?” He asked when hyper green eyes met his.

 

He was quickly told the story of Legolas' day by a _very_ hyperactive Elfling that wriggled in his grip and Thranduil's heart nearly stopped when the mud proved to be quite slippery. Legolas had been content to read with Galion for a while and then he grew bored so the two began to play some games together. After a while Legolas had suggested hide-and-seek, one of his favorite games Thranduil remembered with a shudder.

 

 _“Galion should_ _k_ _no_ _w_ _better.”_ The King snarled in his head as he listened to the fast paced rambling of his son.

 

“So I left the room while he was counting and I found the perfect place to hide!” Legolas shrieked in his father's ear. “No one was in the kitchen and I was hungry anyway.”

 

A feeling of complete and utter horror swept Thranduil from head to toe as he gazed, wide-eyed, at Legolas who had yet to stop giggling and wriggling. The child was practically _bouncing_ in his arms.

 

“So I got my favorite snack!” Legolas cheerfully announced.

 

The panicked scream that sounded within Thranduil's regal skull was akin to one an Elf Maiden would make when meeting a rather untimely demise.

 

“Honeyed sweet cakes!”

 

Thranduil was going to take great pleasure in killing Galion later.

 

“So, I hid in the food closet and ate them waiting for Galion to find me. He's not very good at hide-and-seek.” Legolas pouted. “I got bored so I went outside. It rained today Ada!”

 

Ah yes. That would explain the rambling, giggling, bouncing, slippery mud ball.

 

“So I played outside and then the guard found me and he said I could come and see you! I haven't seen you since breakfast and I missed you so I got really excited! I'm happy to see you again, you were not at the midday meal.”

 

Was it _that_ late?

 

Legolas hugged his father tightly and giggled as Thranduil carried him through his chambers and into the privy where he pulled the chain to fill the tub, connected to the hot springs, much to Legolas' dismay.

 

“I do not want a bath!” He shrieked and tried to wiggle out of his father's arms.

 

“You need a bath Legolas, you are filthy.”

 

“No! I do not want one!” Legolas cried.

 

“Legolas, you are getting a bath if I have to fight you the whole time!”

 

Legolas grew silent when his father raised his voice and his bottom lip wobbled before he began to cry, quite pitifully.

 

“That is enough of that.” Thranduil deadpanned and Legolas immediately stopped crying and sulked.

 

That trick worked on everyone but his father.

 

Legolas continued to struggle and scream as the tub filled and Thranduil wrestled the dirty Elfling out of his equally dirty clothes. Legolas wailed and shouted about how much he hated baths and did not want to take one. He attempted to dart from the room as Thranduil removed his leggings but Thranduil's hand caught him by the wrist and the stilled the young child with a glare.

 

“How about I take a bath with you Legolas?” Thranduil offered gently.

 

He had mud in his hair anyway.

 

Legolas eagerly accepted and his father joined him in the warm water shortly after he had been placed there. As Thranduil worked to scrub away the mud caked to the child he slowly began to recognize that it was in fact an Elfling beneath all of that mud.

 

“Why it _is_ my son underneath all of this mud!” He exclaimed with a grin as Legolas giggled. “I had wondered if he had been replaced with and enchanted mud puddle!”

 

As Thranduil bathed his filthy son, elsewhere in the palace a servant welcomed the two parties from Rivendell and Lothlorien. He apologized and explained that the King was quite busy and unable to formally greet them.

 

“There has been much to attend to within our realm. I am certain that you are exhausted and long for a rest. Your chambers have been prepared for your arrival and we are mere hours from the evening meal. Allow me to show you the way.” He offered with a gesture down the hallway.

 

“That would be appreciated indeed. Thank you.” Elrond said with a sincere smile.

 

Beside him, Glorfindel and Erestor nodded. Celeborn, Haldir, and Galadriel felt the same relief and the group eagerly followed the servant who greeted them. He led them through the spacious caverns and informed them of the schedule that had been set for the next few days.

 

Back with a soaked Elf King and his son, the bath had ended and Thranduil spent a few moments making his son laugh and he smiled as they played. When the water began to cool Thranduil lifted Legolas out of the water and set him on the floor before beginning to climb out himself. He had not been expecting Legolas to run from the room, laughing as he did, the moment his feet hit the floor. Thranduil gaped for a few moments before leaping from the water, thankfully having the presence of mind to grab a towel and wrap it around his waist as he ran into the hallway after his wayward son.

 

“Legolas!” He bellowed and the tiny, naked, blonde only laughed.

 

As the sparsely dressed King of Greenwood chased his son through the halls the servant had nearly reached the section of the stronghold reserved for guest chambers. Suddenly an extremely flustered Galion rushed toward the servant.

 

“Have you seen Legolas?” He asked between breaths.

 

“You lost the King's son?!” The servant spluttered.

 

“He wanted to play hide-and-seek.”

 

“You should know better by now.” The servant glared.

 

Galion sighed in frustration and shame before blushing deeply when he saw the group standing behind the servant wearing baffled expressions.

 

“If you will please follow me, your chambers are just this way.” The servant ground out between clenched teeth.

 

They walked for a few moments, an embarrassed Galion following closely behind. They hadn't gotten more than a few steps before an enraged yell echoed through the halls around them. The shouts were unintelligible and stopped shortly after they began. The group stopped for a moment before continuing on their way, and it was then that they heard the giggling that was slowly growing louder. Before any of them had a chance to think on this a very wet, very naked Legolas darted around the corner toward them.

 

The servant's eyes grew wide and he stepped forward, as did Galion, to collect the young Prince. They would have succeeded had an equally wet and angry Thranduil not jumped out from around a corner and snatched the child off his feet.

 

“Got you!” He yelled victoriously as he swung the child into his arms.

 

His victory was short lived, however as his foot quickly met with the water splattered on the floor. Thranduil's feet flew out from under him and he clutched Legolas to his chest protectively as his back hit the stone floor with a loud crack. The towel, loosely wrapped around his waist, flew free and settled itself on Glorfindel's head. The group gave identical winces and groans of sympathy as Thranduil's back made contact with the unforgiving floor.

 

Thranduil could barely breathe and only managed a strangled wheezing that worked very well to symbolize his complete agony. The weight of Legolas on his chest did not help with his difficulty in drawing air into his screaming lungs. Legolas laughed loudly and repeated the same demand.

 

“Again!” He giggled and bounced on Thranduil's chest causing him to give a quiet groan.

 

Galion retrieved the towel from Glorfindel's head as the group stared in shock at a wet and entirely naked Elf King and his son. Elrond harshly bit his cheek to keep from laughing and his face turned red from the effort. Galion draped the towel over Thranduil's waist to preserve whatever dignity the Elf had left while the servant snatched Legolas off of his chest.

 

“My King, are you alright?!”

 

Thranduil gave a pitiful whimper that inclined toward the affirmative. Galion crouched and assisted Thranduil to stand and made sure the towel was wrapped around his waist.

 

“Give him here.” Thranduil rasped as he took hold of Legolas with a wince.

 

Elrond could see the nice bruise that was already forming on Thranduil's pale back.

 

“Thank you.” Thranduil wheezed as he turned and limped away with a lopsided slouch down the corner, never having seen the group standing behind Galion and the servant.

 

 _ **“**_ _ **I must say Thranduil, your**_ _ **elfling**_ _ **is bigger than I had thought.”**_ Galadriel's voice spoke in his head as she smirked.

 

A quiet thunk echoed down the hallway followed by Legolas' voice.

 

“Do not hit your head on that Ada! That hurts!”

 

The group collapsed into laughter and Galion decided to make himself very, _very_ scarce.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favorite part was definitely the internal scream. What about you?


	2. Immaturity War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everyone behaves like children.

The city of Gondor was bustling with energy and excitement as people prepared for the wedding of their newly crowned King to the Lady Arwen of Rivendell. The ceremony was planned for the next day and everyone rushed to complete their given tasks. The guests had all arrived by now and had been tended to and their comfort ensured. The city was impressive but nowhere near what it had been an age ago. The evil of Sauron had finally been destroyed and the whole of Middle Earth celebrated.

 

Elrond walked through the halls of Gondor talking with his daughter and was immensely proud of Aragorn for taking his rightful place on the city's throne. The Elf Lord could not have been happier and it shone in the smile upon his face. The two of them had been talking for hours now and neither showed signs of tiring.

 

“It pleases me greatly to see you so happy Adar.” Arwen commented and his smile widened.

 

“At last the threat has been lifted and I've lived to see you wed. Of course I am happy.” He responded.

 

He hugged her tightly then and in the silence that hung between them they heard the distant sound of familiar voices. Elrond raised a brow at his daughter before the two of them moved toward the noise. They entered the gathering hall and found a busy sight. It was a few hours after the evening meal and most people chose to spend their time in the gathering hall talking, reading, or whatever it was they chose to do. Thranduil sat himself in front of the fire with a glass of wine in one hand and a book in the other, his expression flat and his head barren of his crown. Gandalf sat across from him but his eyes were glued to the scene in the center of the room and sparkled with mirth. In the center of the room, gathered around a table, stood Gimli, Aragorn, Legolas, Glorfindel, Haldir, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin. There were more than a few barrels of Ale and each of them held a pint and grinned from ear to ear.

 

Erestor stood at the edge of the group and looked none too amused with the situation. Lindir stood on the other side of the table and his demeanor completely contradicted Erestor's. Elladan and Elrohir sat in a corner of the room playing a game of chess.

 

“If you lose Estel we will not be pleased.” Elrohir said with a smirk as he waited for Elladan to make his move.

 

Aragorn glared in the direction of his foster brothers and they only grinned and winked mischievously at him.

 

“Legolas will slaughter them all have no doubt of that.” Thranduil's deep voice reverberated through the hall and his gaze never lifted from his book. He took a mouthful of wine before continuing. “Also ion-nin remember, you sleep where ever you happen to drop. The time for me to carry you to bed has long since passed.” Thranduil smirked and Legolas glared at him before turning back around.

 

“Drink as much as you can and don't stop. No pausing, no spilling, no vomiting, and the last one standing wins.” Aragorn told everyone with a grin.

 

Glorfindel looked as if his face would split in two.

 

“Meleth-nin are you sure this is a good idea?” Arwen asked as she strode over to him.

 

“Yes.” He smiled. “No.....I'm going to do it anyway.”

 

“Spoken like a true ranger.” Thranduil commented.

 

“Ada, shut up!” Legolas nearly yelled.

 

“Alright! Let's go already!” Gimli growled.

 

“Ready?” Merry asked from where he and the hobbits sat on the table top. “Go!”

 

Everyone immediately began to drink their ale as fast as possible. Everyone finished roughly at the same time and the pints were refilled.

 

“You seem confident in your son's abilities.” Elrond said as he stood beside Thranduil's chair.

 

“This is not cheap wine in my hands.” Thranduil retaliated smugly as he took a sip and closed his book.”My realm produces one of the strongest wines in all of Arda. I have no doubt.” Thranduil smiled.

 

So, the contest continued on exactly as one would expect a drinking contest to. There was taunting between drinks and when time was taken to breathe and by this point no one was surprised at the hobbits' ability to keep pace. Lindir cheered them on and soon enough the twins had set their game aside to do the same. Arwen laughed beside her soon-to-be husband as he glared daggers at Pippin who was now ahead of him by half a pint.

 

The festivities came to an abrupt halt when Legolas leaned over to refill his pint and an elbow knocked Gimli's drink into his chest. The room quickly fell silent as the dwarf glared venomously at the woodland prince. Thranduil stood slowly and kept his full attention on the dwarf in question, leveling a glare of his own. Elrond sighed and rolled his eyes skyward.

 

“You did that on purpose elf.” Gimli growled as the ale dripped from his soaked beard.

 

“I did no such thing.” Legolas defended as he, wisely, backed toward the door.

 

Gimli's glare intensified as he took a menacing step forward. Aragorn leaped between the two in an attempt to bring peace to the situation but only succeeded in convincing Legolas that this was the perfect opportunity to run. Gimli gave a shout and took off after Legolas out of the room. Aragorn was quick to follow and next in line was Elrond, after a few stunned moments. The crowd gathered in the room ran after the trio who had gained a fair distance in the short time.

 

Legolas swooped through the hallways and shuddered at the enraged roars behind him. He took twists and turns, not having a set destination in mind and eventually wound up in the kitchens. Gondor's kitchens were massive and the cooking staff had long been preparing for the wedding the next day. The entrance stood at the top of a platform roughly six foot high that looked over the whole room. A flight of stairs to the right of the door descended down into the room that was lined with twelve long tables covered in various pies, pastries, cakes and other desserts for the celebrations.

 

Legolas darted down the stairs into the room and positioned himself protectively behind a table as Gimli followed. The two ran back and forth on either side of the table as they shouted at one another.

 

“It was an accident Gimli!” Legolas shouted.

 

“A likely story!” Gimli yelled, Ale dripping from him as he darted back and forth.

 

“I was not trying to make you lose. I swear!”

 

“I will rip your ears off you blasted elf!”

 

“Valar Gimli! Listen to me!”

 

Before anyone could react properly, including the three chefs in the room, Legolas reached forward and slammed Gimli's face into one of the cream pies on the table. The cooks were horrified and Legolas recognized his mistake almost instantly.

 

“Let us talk about his calmly.” Legolas pleaded as Gimli scraped pie filling off of his eyes.

 

He set Legolas with a truly frightening glare before throwing a pie into his face and causing the blonde to splutter. He grabbed another and slammed it into Gimli's face and the chefs ran forward in a panic as Gimli picked up another precious pie.

 

“Please!” A chef shouted as he leaped forward.

 

He was promptly struck in the face by a pie when Legolas dodged Gimli's attack. The two directly behind the chef began to laugh and he spun around with a glare and slammed their faces down into the unfinished cake with a smug grin.

 

“Legolas, Gimli! Quit behaving like children!” Aragorn shouted from atop the platform in front of the door.

 

“I will show you children!” Legolas shouted and launched a pie at the ranger.

 

Aragorn's eyes nearly popped out of his skull and he nimbly dodged to the side, using reflexes honed from many battles fought. Unfortunately, it was at this particular moment in time when Elrond finally caught up and the pie meant for Aragorn splattered across his face. He stood just inside the door, body taught as a bowstring, and thoroughly stunned. The remainder of the group came rushing in shortly after and Elladan promptly ran into Elrond's back, followed by his brother Elrohir and his sister Arwen. The three collisions pushed Elrond over the edge of the railing where he took a nose dive into the wedding cake with a startled yell. Said cake was rather affronted by this and felt it did not deserve this rather unwarranted attack. In retaliation to this, the untouched side of the cake sacrificed itself to avenge the honor of the whole and collapsed on Elrond's chest. The chefs had sworn revenge by this point.

 

The three stood looking over the railing in horror at their father as the pieces of the huge cake that remained standing chose that moment to topple over and bury the Elven Lord.

 

“Do not despair Ada!” Elrohir shouted before he set his sights on Aragorn who chose to run.

 

“We shall avenge you!” Elladan yelled dramatically before the two ran after their foster brother.

 

“Roh! Dan! Get back here!” Arwen shouted in an attempt to save Aragorn, whose only fault had been good reflexes.

 

“Think about this you two!” Aragorn shouted in desperation as he swerved around tables. “I had nothing to do with it!”

 

“Get him!” Elladan roared and the two each picked up a pie.

 

Aragorn's reflexes proved true when he dodged both but again this proved to be very bad for the party positioned behind him. Arwen took both pies, one to the face and one to the chest. The brothers appeared horrified and gaped at their sister. Arwen let out a snarl before grabbing Aragorn by the hair and slamming his face into a pie and picking up two more for her brothers. The twins let out startled shouts at seeing the rage in her eyes and the grin on her face before running in terror.

 

Glorfindel and Erestor had gaped for a few moments before running down the steps and assisting a flailing Elrond out from underneath the remains of the wedding cake. His face had hit first and was comically decorated in the thick swirls of colored frosting that had adorned the cake. His hair was smeared with cake bits and frosting and the two could not resist laughing as they helped him to his feet.

 

“Yes.” Elrond snarled, none too amused. “Let us all laugh at the _Peredhel_!” The last word was accompanied by fistfuls of smashed cake to each Elf's face.

 

Elrond smiled in satisfaction and yelled as the two rounded on him and smashed his face back into the cake. Above the trio on the platform Gandalf ran through the doorway and gaped at the scene before him. He moved to the stairs and made room for Thranduil to step through and his jaw dropped. The four hobbits poked their heads around the Elven King's tall frame and excitement shone in their eyes.

 

“What do you think you are doing?!” Gandalf roared over the noise in the room.

 

Twelve pairs of eyes set themselves on the stern gaze of Gandalf the White and before anything else could happen Gandalf was promptly assaulted with twelve pies that splattered all over his tall frame. The four hobbits gave excited cheers and darted around a stunned Thranduil and down the stairs to join in. Each one leaped onto a table and threw a pie at the person of their choice as everyone continued to laugh.

 

Gandalf's lips curled into a snarl and he set his staff aside before throwing his cloak to the ground, sliding it off one arm and flinging it off of the other with an angry twirl. He stomped down the stairs and Thranduil's eyes widened. He ran to catch up with the glaring Wizard.

 

“Mith-Mithrandir? Gandalf?” Thranduil interjected as he stepped over pie filling at the bottom of the steps. “You are older than all of us. Have maturity.”

 

While he did not register Thranduil's words at the time, something in the back of the Maia's head screamed that he was certainly old enough to have earned the right to behave as a child if he so pleased. Gandalf marched into the fray and grabbed the first person he could, which just so happened to be Legolas, and threw them onto Elrond and face first in the abused wedding cake. Glorfindel's laughter was cut short by Erestor who flung a handful of custard at him and darted off. Gimli was Frodo's first victim and the dwarf gave no mercy in retaliation.

 

Thranduil followed Gandalf, desperately trying to get his attention so they could end this debacle but the wizard either could not hear him over the din or chose to ignore him. He sighed in frustration and glared at everyone around him as pies whizzed through the air all around him. The regal Elven King had not one speck on his robes. He frowned and attempted to speak with Elrond and bring sense back to the group. He folded his hands and walked leisurely through the room toward Elrond without getting hit by a single drop of frosting.

 

Haldir and Lindir were the last in the room and they stood in shock for a few moments before the musician's previously unknown mischievous streak kicked in and he shoved Haldir down the steps and into Elrond, who was by far the messiest in the room. He laughed before his gaze landed on Thranduil. The elf stood in the center of the room, pies flying back and forth as he paced about, and was completely clean aside from his boots and the bottom of his robes.

 

He threw his head back and laughed. It figured that, of all people, Thranduil would remain clean in a situation such as this. The Elven King seemed to naturally repel any and all dirt or messy substances. Lindir laughed again at the completely lost look on Thranduil's face as he desperately tried to regain control. The Sinda was almost _pouting_ and Lindir doubled over into a pie held by Haldir before being flung down the steps and into the fray.

 

By this point everyone was covered in pie filling from head to foot, aside from Thranduil, and it was near impossible to tell one person from the other. The three chefs, in despair over their ruined creations, saw no other choice but to join in. Gandalf had decided that using his magic would have been cheating and so he tossed desserts by hand. Legolas' aim was as good as ever as was Aragorn's luck with dodging. Eventually people simply started aiming for the person behind him. The twins fixed this in a hurry by grabbing him and grinding pies into his face until he couldn't see and then loudly declaring open season on the King of Gondor. Everyone enthusiastically participated.

 

Thranduil huffed in frustration beside Elrond and glared at everyone. This was not how adults behaved and Thranduil's gaze swept the room for his son, the one who had started all of this. They were all acting like children......and wasting perfectly good pies! It was well known in Mirkwood that the King had a bit of a sweet tooth and the sight of all those sweets on the floor was just plain sad.

 

He moved his head and dodged a handful of frosting as it went sailing by and struck Haldir in the back. He screamed something about dishonorable fighting and flew across the table at the nearest person, Merry. Things were certainly chaotic and as Elrond moved away Frodo leaped onto the table beside Thranduil holding a pie with red cream filling and decorative swirls of whipped cream. Thranduil gazed at it sadly. A yell drew his attention across the room where Sam popped up and hit Frodo in the face before jumping down and running off. Frodo stumbled, blinded now and pie still in hand. Thranduil thought to steady the Halfling so he wouldn't fall off the table but quickly pitched forward to dodge a pie thrown by Erestor. His face landed in the pie Frodo was holding as he spun to regain his balance.

 

The room fell dead silent and no one moved a muscle as they stared at the deep red filling that was stuck to Thranduil's face in a single huge glob with white whipped cream framing the edges. Thranduil stiffened and every occupant was sure they could hear his spine creak from the strain. Frodo scraped pie filling off of his face and gaped in horror, hands flying to his mouth, when he beheld his unintentional victim.

 

None dared speak as Thranduil's hands slowly crept to his face and gingerly scraped the deep red cream from his eyes to regain his sight. His green eyes were alight with rage and his frame trembled as his hands fisted at his sides. His gaze fell to the quaking Frodo and his glare deepened as something sparkled in those green depths no one could identify, but it terrified everyone none the less.

 

He lunged at the Hobbit with a snarl that sounded less elf-like and more like a drowning warg. The remaining people in the room ran forward in an attempt to save the poor young Hobbit but Thranduil's strong hands wrapped quickly around Frodo's shirt and hauled him off of the table. He whirled around grasping the screaming Halfling as everyone ran forward as quickly as they could.

 

To the surprise of the entire room Thranduil quickly dunked the terrified Hobbit in the large vat of cake batter positioned behind him. Thranduil was up to his elbows and grinned maliciously before ripping Frodo from the grasp of the white batter and throwing him onto his back on the decorating table, covered messily in fruits, sprinkles, and colorful frosting. He rolled the Halfling along the table until every inch of him was covered in sprinkles. He smiled smugly before grabbing an abandoned cherry and placing it atop Frodo's head.

 

“Now.” He muttered as he scraped cake batter off his arms. “Where's the oven?”

 

The stunned silence only lasted a minute before a pie struck Thranduil in the back of the head. He whirled around to glare at Gandalf and Merry menacingly.

 

“Merry, why would you do such a thing?” Gandalf said in a tone of voice that made it obvious Merry was innocent.

 

“I didn't do anything!” Merry defended himself.

 

“Come now, take responsibility.” Gandalf said as he lightly shoved Merry forward.

 

Thranduil was fooled by none of this and crossed his arms over his chest as he glared.

 

“I didn't do it!” Merry was near to tears as he gazed up at a glaring Mirkwood King.

 

“Come now Merry! We all know Gandalf's been missing his targets all night!” Glorfindel yelled across the room.

 

In an effort to defend his pie throwing honor, Gandalf did not think before he spoke.

 

“I'll have you know I hit my target spot on!” His eyes widened as he realized his confession. “Uh, oh.” He winced.

 

“That's what I thought.” Thranduil's grin would have made Sauron himself flee in terror.

 

Thranduil swiftly smashed a large pie into the Wizard's previously untouched face, paying special attention to the beard. He smiled before taking up ammunition and showing no mercy to his chosen targets. Gandalf cursed in an ancient tongue as madness once again descended upon the group.

 

“Why do I feel as though I have woken a sleeping dragon?” He muttered as he watched Thranduil bodily fly across a table into Glorfindel with a war cry and smash the warrior's face into several pies.

 

The room fell into chaos quickly after that and each had their own tactics in this pie war. The Hobbits proved experts in the ways of stealth and Legolas did well enough from a high perch as long as he remembered to distance himself. Erestor and Lindir had formed a fragile, unspoken alliance that had been broken repeatedly due to the mischievousness that had overtaken them both. The twins were entirely unpredictable and worked flawlessly as a team, moving into perfect positions from across the room as if speaking to one another in their heads. Gimli was as ruthless with pies as he was with his axes and had sent Glorfindel running on more than one occasion that night. Aragorn proved to be light on his feet and agile but his strikes worked best when close to his target. Arwen showed no fear toward the men surrounding her and had scraped pie filling from between her breasts to use as ammunition which sent her father running with a scream. The chefs bound together as a team and Glorfindel used a mixture of long range and close range tactics. Elrond was as agile as Aragorn and proved to be a hard target to hit but his own aim had been centuries in the making. Thranduil had turned into some kind of wild man and he proved to be the fastest in the room seeming to appear like magic and launching himself across tables with evil grins and loud shouts. His green eyes alight he had already dunked two more people and no one could tell whether he was eating more than he was throwing or if it was the other way around. Gandalf just seemed to _know_ things and it hardly seemed fair to be fighting against a Maia.

 

It wasn't long before Gandalf, Elrond, and Glorfindel teamed up and launched the Sinda King into a vat all to himself. Thranduil spluttered indignantly before leaping from the vat with a roar and the three scattered across the length of the room. He ran up and down tables before crossing paths with Legolas. He paused and nearly slipped as he slid to a halt and ran back to lean across the table to squint at the frosting coated face Thranduil was certain he recognized. He reached up and vigorously scraped frosting from Legolas' face and glared.

 

“You!” He roared as he thrust a finger in his son's face. “You're the cause of all this!”

 

“Adar, let's talk about this.” Legolas placated as he raised his hands and backed away.

 

“Talk?!” Thranduil bellowed as he leaped across the table and snatched a bowl of flour from beneath it. “We can talk! We can talk! Right! Now!” Each word was accentuated with flour flung into Legolas' face as he cornered the young archer. “Let's! Talk! See!? I'm talking! Valor! Forsaken! Child!”

 

Legolas had no idea how to react to this and Glorfindel doubled over when he laid eyes on the scene.

 

The noise from the kitchens thundered through the halls and reached the ears of Celeborn and Galadriel who looked at each other with creased brows. They followed the horrid racket to its source and gaped in shock at the scene that greeted them. Their shock soon turned to anger and Galadriel froze every occupant with a mental yell.

 

_**“** _ _**That is enough!”** _

 

Twenty pairs of eyes widened and their owners turned guiltily toward the door to behold the glaring Elven Lord and Lady. Elrond internally winced and ducked behind Gandalf when he saw the rage in the eyes of his In-Laws. His children had similar reactions.

 

“What is wrong with you?!” Celeborn boomed. “I would expect such behavior from the Halflings or even Gimli.”

 

Said Dwarf was unsure if he had just been insulted or if Celeborn was simply stating a fact. He chose to remain silent as the two loudly lectured everyone in the room on their current level of maturity.

 

“Elrond! You are a Lord and this is shameful behavior for one of your station!” Celeborn roared.

 

“And Thranduil!” Galadriel shouted. “You are a King! You should be ashamed of yourself for acting as an elfling far from his majority!”

 

Thranduil simply raised his eyebrows and collected a large amount of chocolate sauce from his robes with his finger before eating it with a smirk.

 

“Gandalf...” Galadriel pinched the bridge of her nose. “Words cannot express.”

 

“What do you all have to say for yourselves?!” Celeborn glared.

 

Without missing a beat everyone pointed a finger at Legolas and shouted.

 

“HE STARTED IT!!!!!” Accompanied by launched pies to the Elven Prince, knocking him off the table and to the floor.

 

Hot water was in short supply that night in the city of Gondor and the only true repercussions of the pie fight was that the wedding was delayed an extra three days.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is heavily inspired by the pie fight scene in The Great Race with Jack Lemmon as the villan. If you ever get the chance to watch it go ahead I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it.


	3. 'Nuff Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have lost my ability to even.

“The trees have grown wild and dangerous. Anger festers in their hearts. Black are their hearts, strong is their hate. They will harm you if they can. There are too few of us now, too few of us Ents left to manage.”

 

Why are there so few of you, if you live so long? Are there Ent children?”

 

“Boraroom, there have been no Entings for a terrible long count of years.”

 

“Why's that?”

 

“We lost the Entwives.”

 

“Oh, I'm sorry, how did they die?”

 

“Die? No. We lost them and now we cannot find them. I don't suppose you've seen Entwives in the Shire?”

 

“Can't say that I have. You, Pip?”

 

“.....What do they look like?”

 

“I...don't remember now.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOW DO YOU LOSE YOUR WOMEN!!!???? ALL of them?! OVERNIGHT!? I thought this needed a bit more focus. This is by far the biggest fail ever and the best part is that IT'S CANON!!!! Help!


	4. Council Room Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which someone dares to go where he really shouldn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points if you can guess the movie I got this idea from.

Elrond leaned back in his chair and stretched his aching muscles as voices continued to rise around the table. They had been in council since just after the morning meal and had already taken the midday meal as well. The Orc threat had grown dangerous indeed and there were several ideas on the best way to defend their realms. Not a single one in the room had been exempt from Orc attacks and Elrond groaned quietly as he rubbed his sore neck.

 

Thranduil and Celeborn were currently at odds and their voices raised louder as they argued their points before Cirdan jumped in to cool the heated situation. After taking a deep breath to calm his frazzled mind Elrond threw himself back into the deliberations and the group desperately grabbed for a solution to the growing problem.

 

Tempers were flaring as the group grew weary and Elrond knew that it was nearly time to call off the talk until the next day, to give everyone time to relax. Thranduil sat across from Elrond with his adviser on his right. Glorfindel sat beside his lord as did Erestor. Cirdan and Celeborn sat across from each other and were flanked by their own attendants and advisers as well.

 

Thranduil rolled his eyes skyward at a suggestion from Cirdan and seemed ready to object when his eyes widened and he stiffened in his chair. The reaction went unnoticed by the rest of the bickering council and the Elven King gritted his teeth as he wriggled in his seat. He folded his hands in front of his face in an attempt to hide the pained tightness in his lips. He swallowed thickly and wriggled again as he tried to focus on the conversation at hand.

 

Being directly across from Thranduil, Elrond soon noticed the blonde Elf's struggling. Elrond's brow creased in concern as he watched Thranduil attempt to hide his wince of pain as he nearly convulsed in his seat. He tilted to the side and jerked before settling back into his seat and Elrond's healer instincts kicked in. He kept half of his attention on the distressed elf and the other half on the debate.

 

Thranduil bit his tongue to contain a yelp as he kicked a leg out beneath the table. He swore that he could feel his teeth cracking from the strain as he clenched them tightly. His hands curled into fists on the table top before relaxing. His palms were sweaty and his entire body was tense.

 

All attention was drawn to the end of the table when Thranduil slammed his open hands down onto the wooden surface. The tendons stood out on his throat as he attempted to grin pleasantly but instead looked as if he was in severe pain. He dug his fingernails into his palm as he rested his chin on his fist.

 

He had been halfheartedly paying attention and managed to push out a comment on exactly why Celeborn's suggestion was a bad idea through clenched teeth. Elrond's worry increased and Thranduil's condition was brought to the attention of the rest of the council. Cirdan's brow creased as he noticed Thranduil's knee, rather close to his own. Thranduil's adviser noticed the same as his eyes flicked down. Thranduil was spreading his legs beneath the table to what must surely have been a painful extent.

 

“Thranduil, are you well?” Elrond asked.

 

“Yes.” Thranduil grimaced in response. “I am perfectly well.” The last word came out in a strained squeak as he jerked in his chair.

 

“You are certain?” Elrond's brow rose in disbelief.

 

“Yes.” Thranduil's response came in a low growl as he placed his chin in his palm and dug his nails in his cheek. “If you are quite finished-” He bit back a yelp as he jerked and nearly leaped from his seat. “With distractions. We can continue.” He ground out through clenched teeth.

 

There was a few seconds of absolute silence and Thranduil's entire body tensed under the strain of remaining motionless. He waved his hand as a signal for everyone to continue and they did. To everyone else it looked as though the poor Elf was trying to hold back tears as his face twisted and eyes widened once again.

 

No one was fully paying attention anymore. All the Elves kept a close eye on Thranduil and watched his face warp under some invisible strain as his body jerked and spasmed. He whimpered and that was enough for Elrond. He stood, palms flat on the table and opened his mouth to demand that Thranduil accompany him to the healing halls and inform him of whatever it was that ailed the Sinda.

 

Elrond did not get the opprotunity as Thranduil launched himself violently from his seat, sending the wooden chair to the floor with a clatter. Everyone gaped as Thranduil shouted and kicked his leg higher than thought possible for a male.

 

“Sweet blessed Valar!” He bellowed as he planted his feet. “I would like to apologize to everyone in advance for this!”

 

Before anyone could utter a word the Elven King undid the laces on his breeches and pushed them to his ankles. Everyone gaped and for a few seconds and got a fine view of a rather distressed looking squirrel clinging to Thranduil's innermost thigh just below his royal package. The animal released its grip on Thranduil's sensitive flesh and vanished around the corner. Thranduil was red from the tips of his ears down to his chest as he hurriedly yanked his breeches back up to his waist. He stood for a few seconds blinking rapidly and refusing to make eye contact. Hands on the tops of his breeches he hurriedly marched from the council room with stiff strides.

 

Everyone stared in shock at the door and silence fell around the table before they burst into laughter at the angry chattering of a squirrel from somewhere amongst the ceiling.

 


	5. The List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a fully grown Elf proves how much he still needs parental guidance.

Legolas had been stuck in this room for the better part of an entire day under orders from his father. He had been given a list after finally reaching his father's last nerve and vigorously stabbing it. He hadn't seen his father so very livid since that incident with the wine cellar trap door “malfunction” a month before his majority day. Dumping your father into the River Running via his trap door for wine barrels seemed like a great idea when he had been angry.

 

The list in question that he was given was filled with a new set of rules for him to follow and to be certain that he remembered his father had ordered him to write each rule repeatedly until it covered the black board. The black board spanned the length of the wall and despite being an Elf his hand hurt and he was hungry.

 

He spared a glance over his shoulder and.....yup his Adar was still guarding the door and shooting him a ferocious glare.

 

With any chance for escape thwarted by the presence of Thranduil he turned back to writing.

 

_I am not to steal jigsaw puzzle pieces_

 

_I am not allowed to swap them out either_

 

_I am not permitted to hang “bangles” from the antlers of my father's Elk._

 

_I will not run/enlist people for missions with the objective being to push over sleeping cattle._

 

_I am not to tell members of the Royal Guard that my father requires his daily dose of prescription hugs._

 

_Tauriel is not “my bitch”._

 

He winced as he remembered the repercussions of that one. Honestly he should have known better and yet he had done it anyway. His father had swept into the healing halls like the forces of an invading army and towered over the bed he was laying in. He raised a dark eyebrow at his bandaged son and Legolas spoke without thinking.

 

“I regret nothing.” Had been his response.

 

“Then I guess you won't mind holding training sessions with her for the foreseeable future.” Had been Thranduil's.

 

He gave his hand a shake before returning to his task.

 

_I cannot trade shifts with the voices in my head._

 

_The voices in my father's head cannot override orders._

 

_I will not do everything the voices in my father's head tell me to do._

 

_My father does not have voices in his head._

 

_I will not tell Lord Elrond about the voices in my father's head, because they do not exist._

 

_I am not to convince the other Elven Lords that my father has lost it._

 

_I will not lure my Adar into embarrassing/awkward conversations._

 

“Really Ada it's not something that is all that difficult and certainly not something you'd ever forget how to do. It's just like riding a horse......upside down.”

 

Yeah....he wasn't ever going to stop doing that. It was just too funny to watch his normally controlled father turn various shades of red or pink and splutter before leaving the room.

 

_I am not allowed to form a militia with the twins._

 

_The twins, Arwen, Aragorn, and I are not the “Imladris Mafia”._

 

_The Valar may not contradict my orders._

 

_I am not allowed to trade my father's crown for_ _ anything _ _._

 

_I am not allowed to add “in accordance with the prophecy” to the end of answers to questions my father asks._

 

_I am not ever to dose my father with caffeine._

_-Especially before a council meeting._

 

Despite having to write that one a million times Legolas still didn't regret it. That incident had been one of the single most hilarious things in his life and had won him a bet with the twins to top it off.

 

He had been extremely careful to ensure that his father didn't taste the caffeine he had been steadily slipping him and the, rather large, dose had hit just after the beginning of a council meeting in Imladris. A routine and very boring thing but Thranduil had managed to liven things up in a few short minutes before Elrond confined him to the healing halls to figure out what was wrong with him.

 

Legolas hadn't actually been there but he had certainly heard stories.

 

The meeting had started normally and had advanced without a hitch for the first twenty minutes before Thranduil started to get a little twitchy. He desperately tried to pay attentionbut his mind was racing and thinking up every strange thought under the sun.

 

For example: _“I wonder, when Elrond washes his face how far up does he go?”_

 

He bumped his leg up and down under the table and repeatedly shifted in his seat before drumming his fingers on the table in a quick rhythm that quickly annoyed everyone in the council chambers.

 

“Thranduil, are these proceedings too boring for you?” Cirdan had scolded.

 

“Yes!” Thranduil had shouted exasperatedly. “Yesinfactitisthankyouforfinallynoticing.”

 

Everyone had stared.

 

“Imeanthere's...like...amillionthingsIcouldbedoingbutI'mstuckinhereandI'mcertainthateveryonelseisjustasboredasIam. Nextquestion?!”

 

Elrond sucked in a breath as his brows creased in worry before Thranduil leaped up from the table.

 

“Nothisistooboringbye!”

 

He had then proceeded to run out of the room and find various things in which to entertain himself and growing bored with them less than a minute after finding them. When Elrond finally caught up with his mad sprint through the city it had been something akin to a rodeo to actually get him to the healing halls because he “didn't want to go with the boring Noldo”.

 

It had been relatively easy, once Thranduil stood still long enough, for Elrond to discover that he was simply suffering from a ridiculous amount of caffeine in his system. The healer decided that the best thing to do was just let him run it off and run it off Thranduil did. They lost sight of him for a few minutes and found a pair of curtains in the Hall of Fire braided together. They found him again when he ran up to Legolas with a banana screaming something about potassium.

 

Thranduil had finally crashed in the gardens and fell asleep climbing a tree. He wasn't happy when he woke up and he was even angrier with the fact that Elrond and Glorfindel had climbed the tree, pried him loose, and carried him to bed despite his sleepy whining.

 

_Mirkwood Elves do not devour the remains of their enemies to gain their strength and it is wrong to tell people this._

 

_I am not allowed to put baby spiders in anyone's pillow._

 

_I am not allowed to put baby spiders in anyone's bed._

 

_I am not allowed to put baby spiders in anyone's wardrobe._

 

_I am no longer allowed to handle Ungoliant egg sacs._

 

He had been tip toeing through the darkened halls holding a sticky bundle of webbing that contained thousands of giant spider eggs. His mind raced with glee at the thought of the reaction of his newest victim.

 

“What's that?” His father's voice boomed.

 

Legolas froze.

 

“Is that a spider egg sac?” He could hear Thranduil's foot tapping on the stone behind him.

 

“Uuuummmmm.” Legolas quickly tried to think up a plausible explanation that wouldn't get him in trouble.

 

Then he felt a tickle on his arm as he turned to face his father. He glanced down to see several white spiders breaking loose from the sticky webbing and crawling over his arms. He screamed and threw the sac away from him and, unfortunately, right onto his father's face.....where it stuck.

 

“LEGOLAAAAAAAS!” His father thundered as he struggled and flailed while baby spiders crawled into his robes.

 

Could anyone blame him for running?

 

Apparently......yes.

 

_I am not to mount the King's throne like a rodeo star._

 

_I am not to speak to the healer's about my father's drinking problem because he does not have one._

 

_I am not allowed to fold origami during briefings with my King._

 

_When my King asks what I am doing during said briefings, I am not to stand up and say “Ada, I made a ducky!”_

 

_I am not allowed to refer to_ _ The King _ _as “Ada Dearest” when on duty._

 

_I am not allowed to threaten superstitious outsiders with black magic._

 

_I am not allowed to challenge disbelief in black magic by asking for hair._

 

Legolas had been escorting some humans from Laketown through the paths of Greenwood and had finally had enough of their ridiculous rumors. Apparently, through everything they thought they knew about the Greenwood Elves their hearing was never mentioned. He rounded upon the group in question with a glare.

 

“You will cease such disrespectful prattle lest I release the dark powers of this forest upon your kin.” He said while trying his hardest not to grin.

 

It wasn't just the group of humans gawking at him. The entirety of his soldiers were looking at him like he had lost his mind.

 

“Do not underestimate the magic my people possess.” Legolas glared.

 

“Those are just rumors!” One of the group yelled out defiantly.

 

“Give me a lock of hair and I'll prove it.” Legolas grinned darkly.

 

His Adar was not pleased to learn that the party of Laketown diplomats had decided to forgo the proceedings and return to their home.

 

_I am not allowed to claim to have found my father's soul._

_-Especially not during council_

 

_I am not allowed to sell my own soul in preparation for my ascension to the throne._

 

_The proper response to a formal order is not “why?”_

 

_The proper way to report to my_ _ King _ _is “Prince Legolas reporting as ordered my King” not “you can't prove a thing!”_

 

_The Revolution is not now._

 

That had only been the year before that he had done that and needless to say his father was not happy about it. His father had been in the midst of greeting Lady Galadriel and her advisers when Legolas had unleashed hell from the ceiling. The shriek Thranduil had let loose had been priceless as Legolas had dumped a huge bucket of black ink on him from his hiding place above the King. Plenty had splattered on Galadriel and her group but his Adar had been soaked.

 

Legolas had then leaped down and unleashed a war cry as he pelted Thranduil with various bird feathers he had spent years collecting in the forest. Some were quite colorful.

 

“The revolution is now!!!” He had shouted as he ran off.

 

Thranduil's bellow had been the stuff of nightmares.

 

_I am not allowed to “haunt” my Ada._

 

_Spiders are not edible and I am not to convince people that they are._

 

_Spider egg sacs are not filled with candy and it is wrong to tell non-natives this._

 

_I will not steal Erestor's record book and blame it on Glorfindel._

 

_I am not allowed to trade in my bow for a broadsword because “all the cool kids have one”._

 

_I am not allowed to trade in my bow for a catapult._

_-Unless I get one for Ada too._

 

_Spider paralysis is not funny._

 

After that stunt his father had made a habit of searching Legolas before he left Mirkwood for any reason whatsoever. Thranduil had been downright horrified when a missive from Celeborn appeared by hawk and he nearly had an aneurism (according to the healers) when he read it.

 

Haldir had it coming anyway.

 

It had been a small dose, harmless really.....aside from the hours of paralysis that followed. No matter what anyone told him he would always find the memory putting the Marchwarden in various stupid positions and poses mind numbingly hilarious.

 

Haldir's brothers had even helped so, Legolas really didn't see what the problem was.

 

_I am not permitted to form my own personal army of squirrels._

 

_I am not allowed to demonstrate the training of the afore mentioned army by releasing them into my father's chambers at night._

 

_I am not allowed to tell the infantry that if they want to be promoted they have to “pleasure” the King._

 

“GET OUT!!!!!” Legolas had heard his father's unearthly scream from outside the thick doors and struggled to stifle his laughter.

 

He grinned as the newest recruit to Mirkwood's army ran from the throne room like a scared rabbit.

 

“LEGOLAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!!!!” Suddenly it wasn't so funny. “GET IN HERE NOW!!!!”

 

_The new recruits are scared for a reason and I am not allowed to prey on this fact. Even if I can smell their fear._

 

_I am not allowed to show up at the front gates, wearing a foreign uniform and roaring drunk._

_-Even if Ada did._

 

_I will not taunt the Balrog Slayer with the smell of burnt hair._

 

_ PTSD IS NOT FUNNY!_

 

_I am not allowed to wake my father by repeatedly bashing pots together._

 

Legolas bit his lip to stifle his giggles as he carefully crept into his father's chambers. He closed the door silently and snuck toward the bed where his father slept peacefully. Not for long if Legolas had anything to say about it and he did. The sun was just beginning to creep up past the horizon and if he wasn't allowed to sleep in then neither was his father.

 

He got as close to his father's ear as he dared before slowly lifting up the metal pots in his hands. He had swiped them from the kitchens when the cooks weren't looking. With a grin he brought them together repeatedly, laughing hysterically when Thranduil nearly leaped through his skylight.

 

Before Thranduil could truly process the situation he had smacked Legolas upside the head with the nearest object.....a book.

 

“Well now we know not to do thisanymore.” He had said as the healer informed the two of them about the concussion Legolas had earned.

 

_I am not a Mirkwood slave._

 

_I am not allowed to trade my bow for alcohol, hugs, shiny things, animals, or small children._

 

_If the thought of something makes me giggle longer than 15-_

 

“Write it out.” Thranduil growled and Legolas slumped.

 

_If the thought of something makes me laugh for longer than fifteen seconds I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it._

 

The mere idea of it was pure genius he realized as he giggled in the corridor. It would be a hell of a story to tell Elladan and Elrohir when he saw them next and they would certainly be proud.

 

“No.” Thranduil's voice made him jump.

 

“What?” Legolas asked innocently.

 

“Whatever it is, no. You laughed too long.”

 

“But it was only ten-”

 

“No.”

 

“But-”

 

“I said no!”

 

_I am not allowed to lock my father in his chambers. Even if he is throwing a temper tantrum._

 

_The King does not throw temper tantrums._

 

_I will not put red food dye in my father's drinks just to watch him freak out._

 

Legolas took a deep breath of the morning air as he stretched his arms. The day felt amazing, the kind of day that you knew from that first moment was going to be a great day. Legolas smiled happily as he approached his father's chambers to greet him before taking care of his duties for the day.

 

“My King! My King! _Thranduil!_ Calm yourself.” He heard Galion shouting.

 

Legolas stopped with his hand on the door handle and creased his brow in confusion and concern.

 

“I'm fairly certain that's not blood.”

 

“Fairly!?” Thranduil screamed and Legolas paled.

 

He had forgotten that he had done that.

 

“I'll summon a healer.”

 

“Galion don't you dare!”

 

Legolas warily backed away from the door. Pranks while intoxicated were a bad idea.

 

_Live adders are not suitable ammunition for dodge-ball._

 

_I am not allowed to transplant baby Watchers into the River Running._

 

_“I will not “rig” the King's throne. It is not funny._

 

It had been an all night project with a few, nameless, guards and the twins. The results had been fantastic if a little flawed.....alright a lot flawed. They had spent hours turning the seat of Thranduil's throne into a pressure switch that, when triggered, the antler's on the throne snapped down and formed a neat little cage before dumping a variety of the most disgusting looking bugs they could find on the victim.

 

When Thranduil sat in his throne in preparation for a meeting with Bard, King of Dale and his advisers it had set off without a hitch. The problem wound up being getting the antler cage off of Thranduil. They were stuck quite firmly. Another problem, and certainly the biggest, had been that they had forgotten to check if any of the insects they found were poisonous.

 

Turns out many of them were.....and poor Thranduil was trapped and couldn't get away from them.

 

Legolas laughing throughout the whole incident had probably been inappropriate.

 

Thranduil's screams had echoed out into the chamber where Bard had been waiting. The man and Thranduil had become very close over the years so, naturally he ran in thinking that Thranduil was in danger. He ran up to the throne just in time to see the regal, poised, and majestic King of Mirkwood vomit all over himself as the insect venom took it's tole.

 

Thranduil had been very embarrassed but Bard yelled at Legolas in his stead as the healers had confined him to a bed and strictly told him not to exert himself. Yelling at Legolas was always tiring seeing as how Thranduil could turn it into a three hour event.

 

Bard used guilt in his lectures and Legolas was very glad that Bard was not his parent.

 

_Baby spiders are not a suitable source of gambling, no matter how entertaining it is to see them fight it out to the death._

 

_Related to the previous, betting on anything other than the little clear guy makes me a LOSER or a GALADHRIM_

 

_Specifically related to the previous, once I realize that the little clear guy is obviously the most venomous breed, carrying a “winner” on my shoulder like a parrot is not a bright idea._

 

_I am not allowed to make a fake spider and hang it on my back._

 

One of the best pranks Legolas had ever played and he was still proud of it. The fake spider he had spent months crafting had been incredibly realistic, seeing as how he used actual Ungoliant exoskeletons it made sense. He waited until he stood beside his father's throne as he listened to a report from the guards before sneakily pulling it out from where he had stashed it and hanging it on his back.

 

All it took was a few steps forward before his father let out a startled yell. He spun around, feigning surprise, to ask his father if he was okay and the entire squadron behind him screamed too. The throne room quickly descended into chaos as everyone panicked over the life of the Prince.

 

There were plenty of people who had thought it was funny. His father and the captain of the royal guard were not among those people.

 

He did notice that his father had a few extra glasses of wine that day.

 

_I am not allowed to feign a hearing problem when my father has a hangover._

 

_The alarm is only to be triggered for the big spiders._

 

_I am not to release live Ungoliants into the caves, even if it is to demonstrate a lack in security._

 

That last one was the reason he was in here in the first place. He groaned and flexed his sore hand when he had finally finished. He had no idea what time it was but it felt late. Then again he had been up all night, along with Thranduil but he seemed to never tire from his seat by the door. Really, it had made sense and he exposed a huge hole in their security and this is the thanks he gets for his efforts?

 

Thranduil gave him a glare before standing, leaning on a crutch.

 

Okay he probably should have done something about their venom glands at least. The healers were not happy with Thranduil for not laying down and resting after the bite he took.

 

“Go to bed.” Thranduil ordered as he opened the door.

 

“I haven't had any food yet!” Legolas protested.

 

“Maybe the hunger pains will help you remember these rules a little better.” Thranduil growled. “If you weren't my son I'd have you flogged. Go to bed _now_.”

 

Legolas didn't want to chance a worse punishment. He moved to help his father to his chambers before heading to his own but got a glare that made his blood run cold. He hurried off to his chambers as quickly as his feet could carry him.

 

His only failure was that he had been caught. At least that was the Prince's opinion.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Favorite part? This damn thing took me, literally, all day to write. Heavily inspired by Skippy's List. Go ahead and google that if you're looking for a giggle.


	6. Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which forgetfulness chooses a really bad time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, still suck at writing currently and I've really got to thank all of you for being so patient and thank you even more for all of your reviews. They really do mean the world to me and are probably the only thing that keep me writing. Nine times out of ten, if I no longer update on a story it is because the reviews have stopped. So thank you all for your feedback! I am SO happy to know you are enjoying it.

Elrond was in a panic. This situation was definitely the most embarrassing and potentially disastrous situation that he had ever, or will ever, be in in his long long long life. It was one of those things that happens to everyone eventually but it never lessens the possible fallout of such a thing. His mind raced and whirled while he steeled his features into one of complete calm.

_“What is her name?”_ He thought to himself. _“You've known her for centuries now, and yet you've forgotten her name.”_

He berated himself again and again as he tried so very desperately to remember the name of the Elleth before him. They had long since passed the point where asking her what her name was would be considered acceptable. Elrond had to remember, without cuing her in to the fact that he had forgotten.

His mind sifted through memory after memory but the ever elusive name remained just out of his reach and the seconds ticked by. It would only be a matter of time before she found out and he really did not want to upset her.....ever. He had done that before and it was not fun.

He had to think! He was Elrond, Lord of Imladris and the bearer of Vilya, and yet he could not remember one simple name! He felt terrible. His gaze scanned the people around him in an attempt jog his memory. He knew her name! He did, but he just couldn't remember it at the time. He maintained his outward facade all the while screaming in unadulterated panic inside his head. It didn't look like anyone, especially her, had caught on yet.

Though he was getting a concerned look from Erestor. Damn his advisor for being able to read people so well! He prayed to the Valar that the raven haired elf would keep his mouth shut. He somehow doubted the validity of that prayer knowing what he knew about his advisor. The elf was quiet, kept to himself, and was respectable but he was still prone to bouts of mischievousness as were most elves. Immortal beings had to find easy ways to avoid boredom and when Erestor found the ingredients for a perfect storm he blended them well.

He thanked the Valar he was an elf otherwise his palms would be sweaty in her hands. She looked at him with an adoring smile and he returned it with all of the love he held in his heart. The panic rose again and he chewed on the inside of his cheek as he sifted through the multitude of memories that held her.

It was hopeless and he was beginning to realize that. She was going to be so mad at him. It might've been excusable at any other time but not now, never now.

The events were coming to a close and as he looked back at her he refocused on the task at hand.

“Do you, Celebrian-”

_“Celebrian! Yes that's it!”_ He thought to himself, rejoicing in his victory.

That had very nearly turned into a complete disaster. Elrond breathed a sigh of relief before finishing the ceremony and sharing a kiss with his new wife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I know. Short fic is short. Also this is shamelessly stolen from my favorite XKCD comic because it makes me laugh so very much and I'm desperately trying to get back into the swing of writing but everything I write feels like crap. I felt you guys had waited long enough so....yeah. Sorry. This sucks. Also I needed something with someone other than Thranduil even though he is just so much fun to mess with.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to hit me up with prompts! Anything at all you wanna see? Tell me!


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